Running Sucks : A 25-year Journey for a Reason to Run

As I am writing this, I celebrated my 25th birthday this month and I have weeks left to train for the upcoming CamSur Marathon. But before that, there’s something that I need to get out of my chest:

“Since I was little, running has always been a big part of my life.”

This cliche statement does not apply to me, and this whole running thing: I don’t like it. I find it boring, going on foot for hours is retarded, and everything about it is absurd. Also, a lot of people asked me: “Why do you run?”, “Bakit ka takbo ng takbo? Pinapagod mo lang sarili mo eh”. Well, yeah...I agree that I’m tiring myself for running 1-2 hours a day, 3 times a week, not to mention that me training like there is no tomorrow to finish a marathon, on which I did few weeks back, is just plain stupid for an average guy who weigh 153 pounds. But there is this reason on why I’m running and its more than just getting back to shape, keeping myself healthy or just brag my achievements on facebook.

Running changed my life.

As a kid

12 years ago, I was an average kid and I do what kids usually do, to play outside. Since I am a stubborn person, I had a bicycle accident one day and the worst thing is that I can’t remember what happened after my head bumped on the cement floor, but one thing’s for sure: the moment I got a fever few days after the bump and I had a seizure, At the age of 12, I already knew that I’m screwed. After a lot of medical tests, I was diagnosed with epilepsy.

Basically when you have epilepsy, you are a handicap. The first thing you lose is your independence: I am prohibited to do everything that can trigger any seizure attacks like playing sports, long walks, going to overnight outings, stressful activities and such. Not to mention that I have to take pills to control the seizure but has this side-effects that makes you nauseous.

But the biggest impact that epilepsy did to me is that it ruined my entire childhood; made me an anti-social, overweight couch potato with low self-esteem and full of cynicism. Making things worse, A psychiatrist who conducted a psychiatric exam on me said that I should quit schooling and transfer to a special school because the results were…abnormal and she implied that “I will not make it to college”. But fortunately we never resorted to that and I continued going to school like a normal student. There are a lot of times that I got mocked with my condition; probably those people have no idea that I REALY have epilepsy, or they are just tactless bastards who makes fun of others based on their own insecurities about life.

Me on the far right along with the awardees

For the most part, my high school life was more about survival. If there is one moment that I am really proud about my high school life, it’s probably when I got awarded “best in computer” title, the very first medal that I received in my life. That made me somewhat different from the other students who did not have a medal, but still not enough to separate myself from my seizured self. It’s all thanks to iACADEMY and their website design contest. Because of that school, I enrolled to their 1-year old IT institute.

iACADEMY batch 2003-2007

I studied in iAcademy throughout college. Maybe because I hid the fact I had a condition, made my life easier. But I still can’t do certain things especially going on outings, which still sucks, because that’s what made college different from high school: you have the sense of freedom. I say our batch in iAcademy is the best batch; even though the school is struggling because they lost Carnegie Melon, the entire batch regardless on what course or class they belong to, were all united. Its the students that made the school special.

Gamer Zaibatsu.

After class, I spent my pastime in video games; in fact everything about my college life is all about video games. Going to internet cafes just to play games is a lot better than studying on the computer lab, therefore those cafes became “Comlab 3”. But this racing arcade game called “Initial D” did it for me.

I wasted 50% of my allowance just to finish this game for a couple of times. I even had a “team” to compete with other “teams”. It’s kind of funny because who would have ever thought that video games can get personal; I’ve witnessed a lot of internet dramas throughout the internet forums because of minor reasons, heck I even got involved because I am a friend of that guy who intimidated another player. Despite all the childish fights, it was an all-fun, diverse community; we have anime fans, video game addicts, cosplayers, and others.

Well, maybe I should thank them because this is the first time that I had friends outside school and this is the first time that I tried to introduce myself as a stranger. Yeah, it was really hard to talk to someone that I barely knew but thank god I broke that barrier and I became friends with them even though I'm still shy.

Thank you our dear FL leader for letting me get stuck with Ash and Edj.
but seriously, its your chance mehn...

Sidenote - Also, I would like to thank the leader of "Fantasy League", our group in Initial D, because for the first time in my life, I was in a situation where I got stuck with 2 sisters because it was his idea that we should meet them first and I just tagged along. But what made that moment special is that they were the frigging Gosiengfiao Sisters, I don't know on what to do when he left us in Greenbelt for 30 mins. it was a pretty quiet 3 minutes until Alodia said "doon muna kami sa Mac Bookstore ha? ^_^". I just pathetically said "ok". That crushed my soul, but it was an experience, so Reginald Bantayan, Thank you.

In contrast, I proved the psychiatrist wrong, and I graduated in College.

Fast forward to 2007, with all my effort to be one of the best DA students in my batch, I finally made it. I graduated in college with the degree of BSIT-digital arts. But the better news happened few days after my graduation; I checked my condition again with my neurologist, and while talking to him after checking my EEG results:

He said “You’re cleared”.

“Cleared?” I replied.

He clarified “You can resume becoming a normal person again”.

The effects of being a basement dweller and weighing in 180 pounds is not a pleasant experience.

After he said that, the burden that I am carrying for how many years was magically gone. This is the best, but unexpected graduation gift that I received and I am excited to do something that I never did when I was still a kid, but there’s one problem: I am not fit. I weigh 180 pounds, I am a sad fat slob because I let myself become a basement dweller with a daily routine of playing video games or watch anime at least 5 hours a day, I am connected to the internet all day that I became a human encyclopedia of some sorts, I rarely see the sunlight and I can’t have a good conversation with a delivery hotline, a receptionist or someone that I hardly knew.

Being fat

I started to change myself little by little. I stopped playing video games despite having some withdrawal issues, I start having conversations with other people even if it’s awkward, I go outside more and I even tried to have a different hairstyle just to stay away from my usual “semi-kalbo” hairstyle. But I am still not healthy. Being out of shape feels horrible that even playing tennis can’t save me, until one day I tried running.

Running became my addiction.

I started running when my friends invited me to join a fun run event. I initially have no interest to join any runs because I don’t like it. And why would you pay just to run? You can just run outside for free. But I gave in and run Takbo Para Kay Kristo not because I want to, but because I badly need it. I need change.

I wanted to join 3 kilometers because I already get tired after 500 meters of walking, but my friends insisted that I should join 10k, meaning I will run for over an hour. The day of the race, I ran with my tennis shoes and I have no idea on what I went in through because I had no training, I don’t know how long is 10 kilometers and I don’t know on how running races work. During the race, I thought that joining a race is all about being the fastest, beating the guy in front of you and being the fastest. But I was wrong. I realize that running is about you and not giving in the voice of your head that insisting you to just give up. It’s all about keep moving forward.

I finished the race for 1 hour 20 minutes and it was a tiring, but awesome experience. After I crossed the finish line, I just could not explain the feeling of doing something that you never thought you would do and wanting to do more.

If I can change and you can change, everybody can change.

Running became part of my habit, it’s an unpleasant lifestyle. You need to wake up early to be in time before the race starts or to train before the sun rises. I eat more carbs as part of my running diet. I train at least 3 days a week by running outside rain or shine. Honestly, this lifestyle sucks. I can do better things for my leisure, heck I can just sleep all day if. And if I want, I can eat a 2-piece fried chicken value meal with extra rice. I want to ask those people who jog why they are doing this. This is painfully boring! They can do other exercises that are fun other than pounding their feet around the area.

Running sucks!

But after months of enduring, it finally paid off. From a 180-pound walrus, I now weigh 160 pounds and my endurance improved. Because of that, I bought a new set of clothes, a perfect chance to break-away from my usual nerdy fashion. Before, my preferred shirt size is XXL and my waist line is 38. But I can now wear small-sized t-shirt and size-32 slim-fit pants. Goodbye my fat self.

I did not join any race for the next 5 months but I ran regularly as a form of training. I joined race after race, after race, after race and running became a passion. It just came to my realization that I wanted to do this. If there is one thing that can make up the years of suffering from epilepsy and prove the world that anything is possible, this is it.

The day I started running barefoot. All thanks to that bastard I kept running that way.

March of 2011, I joined a free 10k race and I bought a pair of shoes. The race starts. I was doing well for the first 5 kilometers, until I feel pain at the top of my foot. It’s so painful that I stopped a couple of times. This sucked and it’s really frustrating. Out of nowhere, I just said “fuck this” and I removed my brand new shoes. I went barefoot. I always thought that running on barefoot is retarded and there’s no point on doing it, but for the first time, I never felt this good despite stepping on some debris. Running without shoes on rough surface sucked, but it feels like heaven when you stepped on smooth surface along Roxas Boulevard. After 3 minutes on running with my birthday shoes, some short guy with black and red outfit tapped me on the back. He is also running barefoot. He said some stuff regarding barefoot running but I had no idea on what he’s talking about because I don’t usually run this way. But after the small talk, he sprinted; he’s way faster than the 50 guys in front of me. I said to myself, I will go barefoot from now on.

Barefoot runner

I enjoyed my runs after I went barefoot. A faster run equals better running experience. After few more runs, I graduated on running fun runs to join events that aren’t really fun anymore like joining a half-marathon and I aim for the holy grail of running events: the Marathon - a race that 99% of the entire population can’t do, even the people around me doubted that I can finish it. I just joke that after I cross the finish line, I will kneel down and cry.

Pushing cars in the rain

Because of that, I decided to join the Milo Marathon. Training for 42k is no joke. I need to work out harder and run longer as part of the training. Basically you have to treat every training day like there’s no tomorrow, to the point that I pushed cars as part of my overall body workout. I also need to eat a lot because food is like the fuel that keeps you going. My weight dropped to 153 pounds. This is the hardest training that I’ve committed.

ATC Runners carbo-load party

2 weeks before the race, I decided to join ATC Runners. At first I was hesitant to join because I thought that I don’t need a running group and Circuit training? I’d rather run outside. On my first day as an ATC runner, we did exactly that, and boy I was wrong. The training made my core sore, which is a good sign because as my long-haired coach said and on what I read on the internet: hard abs is vital on running, I just neglected that fact and I loved the pain because you can feel the burn and it’s a sign that it will get more stronger. Thank god I joined a group. I should have joined earlier. I needed this.

The “180” turn made me a better person for the next 2 years.

Outside running, my social life starts to improve, my life just had a full 180: I discovered new friends, my contacts were growing, and I even attended those school reunions for the first time. But what fascinates me is I’m now doing things that I thought I would never thought that I would do like becoming a thesis panelist, a presenter, and as a college professor-things that a shy person does not want to do forever. I even attended classes about English conversation; something that I regretted on that practicing when I am a student back then.

Being motivated to do these things is still a mystery to me; yes, seeing my friends on this derma clinic in BF Homes especially that girl with her bright smile every time I visit this clinic here on BF Homes motivated me to do things. My friends who asked me about running motivated me; maybe those people who started running because they said they got inspired by my facebook photos on running motivated me, or maybe because the fact that they are friends inspired me and they brought back my smile.

I don’t know.

But maybe those people in the clinic were the ones who did inspire me to become this way. When I first met the first receptionist, I knew that I like her, maybe because she looked like that girl from “Darna”. After I learned that she resigned, I felt sad. I had no idea on why I’m feeling this way but I’m just really sad especially that it’s really a cold December and I had a depressing new year, probably because I play too much games in my room and I realize that I should go outside and talk to other people, maybe that's why.

After she got replaced by 3 employees, my friendship with the employees in that clinic started. I had a crush with one of the employees again but then it’s really hard to talk to her because she’s working on the other side of the clinic. After she left work, they linked me with their Medical Assistant – maybe because we are really close but we’re just friends. She also left and I got admired with one of the employees…again. Yeah I felt like a loser, but this time it’s different. She’s probably the one who inspired or motivated me to do all this things. I’m just happy when I see her.

But it’s not just them who made me happy, the aestheticians and the doctors whom I acquainted to also helped me to change. They have no idea on how thankful I am; Bringing food on both branches is not enough to show how grateful I am.

I thought before that I can do anything all by myself, but no. I learned that there are times that you need support, you need motivation and inspiration, you need your friends to push you to the limit, and therefore I am happy I had friends like them. Because of them I am now prepared for the race and all in my mind now is running and finishing that marathon.

Running for 26.2 miles

The day of the 35th Milo Marathon comes and I’m all pumped up at 4 in the morning. The race starts and it was raining hard. The first 21 kilometers was ok, probably the product of the hard work and training I did, but after I crossed kilometer 25 going to Taguig from MoA and Baclaran, I’m slowly hitting the “wall”: a situation when your body starts to fail against your will. It was a complete hell even the coldness of the rain can’t save me. My mind is starting to get crazy: I laugh to the stupidity of the distance, I wonder the things I can do at this time if I’m not running, but at the same time I feel frustrated that I wanted to rip of my race bib then quit, but no, I need to keep moving forward.

At the last 10 kilometers of the marathon, I started bargaining with myself just to endure the pain abit more. The water stations between 2 kilometers were like 5 kilometers away and energy gels were just like junk food for my body now. I then realized that running is not boring, it’s lonely. I’ve never been this lonely on a race despite the fact that I have other friends who ran this race. You can’t rely on your friends who also running because they have their personal reasons on why they participated a marathon, it’s your determination that will get you running all the way to the finish line. Pushing through the last 3 kilometers, everything in my body were against on what my heart says but I can’t give up at this point because I already ran 39 kilometers, a distance that already proved that I can do something impossible and I said to myself “Everybody thought this was a joke and I can’t do it, now I proved them wrong and I can do this! Anything is possible!”.

The pain and glory of the Marathon.

At the final stretch, all I have left is the determination to finish this absurd race. This is the first time that I struggled this hard to run a kilometer and I don’t know what to do. But I saw some afro guy on my right side; it was Rio Dela Cruz, the organizer and founder of RunRio. He clapped his hand and he looked at me. He shouted “Go Go Go! You can do it!” As we crossed paths, I rub my head while trying to hold of my tears not knowing why I’m tearing up. I said to my friends that I will kneel down and cry, but as I crossed the timer, I did not kneel and cry, instead I instantly covered my face with both my hands. I didn’t rehearse this; I’m just terrified on how good this feels. Finishing a race is never supposed to feel this good. Crossing the finish line is never to matter this much. But it does. I’m overjoyed. I finished a marathon after running while suffering in pain for 5 hours and 27 minutes. I grabbed my medal, my loot bag then I went straight to the first aid booth to treat my cramps and blisters but I don’t care about the pain I suffered because I’m now a marathoner.

ATC Runners. Without them I might not finish it.

The 42k medal is the microcosm of the 25 years of my life: I was pushed to the brink due to an unwanted condition and everything this world is against me, but I never gave up and kept moving forward to what I become today. For me, the worst possible fate would be to arrive at the end of your life and to realize you not lived.

2011 Camsur Marathon, my next run

I am now training for the Upcoming CamSur marathon, preparing myself for the 2012 Condura Skyway Marathon and considering myself on either joining the dreaded 102/160-kilometer Bataan Death March (BDM) Ultramarathon or the Hong Kong Marathon next year. From a 180-pound anti-social basement dweller who gives up in life to a 155-pound marathon runner who kept wanting for more: I say I already proved a point that nothing is impossible. Yes, I still wonder what could have happened if i did not go outside that day just to bump my head on the road and got diagnosed with epilepsy: well, maybe my life went to a different direction, I can’t tell. But after achieving something that most people have yet, or never done before me, I say that I will take my condition as a blessing in disguise. Randy Pausch said it best: “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand”.

For many, crossing the finish line was the conclusion, but for me, my life is just starting.

“A Marathon is not about running, it is about salvation. We spend so much of our lives doubting ourselves, thinking we're not good enough, not strong enough, not made of the right stuff. The Marathon is an opportunity for redemption. "Opportunity," because the outcome is uncertain. "Opportunity," because it is up to you, and only you, to make it happen; only you can turn your farfetched dream into a reality.”

- Dean Karnazes